You need to tell the guy flat out that there is no hope of a romantic relationship between the two of you because you do not find him sexually attractive. Be absolutely clear about how you feel and don’t leave him thinking there is any hope for a future for the two of you. That said, offer some complements as rejection can be hard to take but by firm that you will never be a couple.
So, you are in a sticky wicket! A guy is expressing interest in you and you do not feel the same. You do not want to hurt his feelings and you don’t want to lead him, so what do you do? Unfortunately, there is no easy way out; you are going to have to talk to him about it.
Keep it simple – just tell him you don’t like him in that way! Guys are so much more resilient than some girls think. Also, most guys are good at taking the hint – if they are flirting with you and getting nothing back, they soon move on! However, if he is not getting the message, you have a particularly sensitive guy or he really is head over heals and in love with you, then don’t worry, I have some tips and advice to help you. I have split this up into 3 sections: firstly, before the chat, secondly the chat, and lastly moving forwards.
Before the chat
There is a couple of things you need to make sure you do before you have the conversation with the guy who is making unwanted advancements towards you.
- Make sure he definitely fancies you
Otherwise you could be ruining a good friendship or just creating an embarrassing and awkward situation for no reason. Don’t just listen to rumours or make assumptions. Know because he has told you directly or you can see the obvious signs; for example, he touches you a lot and he tries to spend time together with it being just the two of you.
- Don’t keep avoiding him or the situation
The longer you leave the situation the more he might think he has a chance and the more his feelings will grow. You might also think he will get ‘the hint’ if you avoid him but you can’t rely on this. The kinder thing to do is to find the time to talk to him when it is just the two of you, so he doesn’t get embarrassed in front of a group of people.
- Plan what you will say
Have a think about what you want to say and make some notes. By going in with a plan you are more likely to keep the chat short and sweet and less awkward. You just need a few of short bullet points. For example, you are not physically attracted to him, you only see him as a friend or you like someone else.
- In person or over the phone
Both are fine. The most important thing is that you get the message across clearly and he is not left thinking he still has a chance. Reduce the embarrassment by not doing it in front of other people. If you are struggling to meet when it is just the two of you or it makes you feel uncomfortable, then do it over the phone. If you are feeling too anxious about having a conversation, then you could even write it down for him to read either in a message or an email. The only problem with this method is you do not know for sure if he has read it and you cannot judge if he has understood what you are saying fully. However, the benefit is that he can reread what you have written so it your message sinks in and you do not have to worry about getting your tongue-tied. I would probably use this as a last resort though, a direct conversation would be preferable.
- Acknowledge the importance
Make sure he knows that you want to have a serious chat, otherwise he might not really listen to what you are saying and understand its gravity.
- Let him down gently but be firm and ensure him your feelings will not change
Be nice, this guy is human and has feelings. So, if you do want to stay friends say something like ‘you are an awesome friend, but we cannot be couple’ and ‘we can stay friends if you can keep it there.’ Tell him ‘we will not have a romantic relationship because there is not the right chemistry between us’ to be clear about how you feel. The last thing you want to do is leave the conversation with him thinking he still has a chance and setting out to change your mind. So, make it flat out clear there is absolutely no way you will change your mind, and if you do want to stay friends set some ground rules for your friendship. For example, ‘I do want to stay friends but I can’t have you asking me to do anything romantic or trying to get close to me because I just don’t feel that way about you and that is not going to change’.
- Let him ask questions, listen and be honest
It might be difficult for the guy to hear that you do not fancy him because he really likes you, so give him the opportunity to have his say and ask questions for clarification. Be honest with your answers, there is no point lying to him to protect his feelings, as knowing the truth might help him move forwards more easily. It might also help him in the future with other girls he is interested in, so by being brutally honest you could be doing him a favour.
- Ask him how he feels about what you have said
In some cases, it might be necessary to ask this question just to be sure he fully understands the point you are trying to get across. However, even if you know he totally comprehends the significance of the conversation it is nice to check he feels ok about it all. Perhaps now would be a nice time to reassure him that he will meet someone that is right for him, but it just is not going to be you.
- Be kind
Just because you have told him there is no future for the two of you make sure you treat him politely, don’t be rude and definitely don’t ignore him.
- Give him space and do not give him the wrong impression
You have done the hardest part in being honest and telling him that you don’t see him in a romantic light but don’t ruin it now by contacting him all the time to see how he is. This will send him mixed signals at a time that you need to stay clear about how you feel. It hurts to be rejected and he does not need to be constantly reminded about it.
- Remaining friends
If you both decide that you want to stay friends, then make sure you are not doing anything romantic and consider if any physical contact is still appropriate.
how to tell a guy you dont like him
- Make sure you do not have any romantic feelings for the guy before telling him there is no chance of a romantic future between the two of you.
- Make sure you are kind and offer some compliments whilst being clear that you will only ever be friends.
- If you feel uncomfortable having the conversation face to face or over the phone you could write it in a message so you can get your point across.
- As much as you want to be kind to him think about yourself too; he is probably making you feel quite uncomfortable with his suggestions or flirty remarks if it is not reciprocated.
- Rejection can be hard to take, so do not be surprised if he becomes defensive.
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